We sat in silence for the first two minutes of our meeting. A comfortable silence. An understanding. I smiled and he spoke.
You’re not afraid to die, are you?
No.
I know. I can see it in your eyes. So, if I were to pull out my gun and point it at you right now, you wouldn’t flinch?
You’re not going to do that.
How do you know?
Because that’s what I see in your eyes.
He smiled.
We were both right. I wasn’t afraid of him and he had no intention of hurting me.
This was a first, for both of us.
Here I am.
It’s the eve of my long awaited 17.
17 years on borrowed time.
I made it!
There were days when I wasn’t sure I would.
But here I am.
Closing one chapter tonight, starting a new one tomorrow. A chapter full of wonderful adventures. Creative expression. Personal freedom. Love. Life. And so much laughter.
A chapter full of whatever it is that my little heart desires.
I’m so excited, I can’t even express it with words. There is no smile big enough, no jump high enough, no screech loud enough to express this kind of excitement. This feeling. This moment is mine. Only mine.
I’ve done so much with my time here. I’ve lived. I’ve lost. I’ve moved. And moved. And moved. I’ve travelled. I’ve loved. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed. I’ve given life. I’ve raised children. I’ve married. I’ve owned property. I’ve learned. And learned. And learned. I’ve worked. I’ve failed. I’ve succeeded. I’ve jumped. I’ve landed. I’ve created. I’ve written. I’ve danced. I’ve played. And played. And played.
Oh, how I have truly lived my 34 years.
And still, I have a long list of things to do. Things to see. Things to feel. Experience. Witness. Hear. Touch. Smell. So many things to look forward to.
The most important lesson I’ve learned is that the only guarantee you get in life, is death. No date. No time. Sometimes no warning whatsoever. Just an end and the knowledge that it will come.
I’ve been fortunate to have already been given 17 years of borrowed time. I’m proud of what I’ve done with it. But I’m far from done.
My to-do list is long. But I have no idea how much time I will have left. So, I’m making a promise to myself. A promise to keep crossing those items off my list. To put more energy into the things I want to accomplish and less focus on the things I cannot control.
As I was reading over my list, I started to reflect on the people that have been in my life. I thought about friendships, relationships, co-workers, family. People who have a to-do list of their own. People who have added me to their lists. People I’ve added to mine. I thought about how many people in my life never truly cross off their items. How so many people allow life to get in the way of them living. I thought about how many things I’ve missed out on because I waited for them to be ready. For timing to be right. For everyone involved to be in a good financial position. I’ve waited on others because at some point, I told them I would. Because my word meant something.
Not anymore!!!
No more promises to others. From now on, my to-do list is mine alone. It will only involve those who are ready and able to do it when I’m ready and able to do it. If I want to travel, I will travel with whoever is ready to go. If I want to jump out of a plane, I will jump with whoever is willing. If I want to learn another language, I will do so with someone who wants to follow the same process. Sports. Movies. Activities. School. I will do whatever I want. Whenever I’m ready. Whenever I’m able. And alone if I must. Happily.
Clean slate.
My life is mine to live.
MY experience. These are MY memories. MY laughter. MY tears. MY gift.
This is MY to-do list.
And I’m doing it.
I’ve been looking forward to April 12, 2015 for half my life.
17 years.
Since April 12, 1998.
The day I almost died.
Since that moment, I’ve waited to celebrate this one.
17 years on borrowed time.
I’ve doubled my life.
I am grateful.
I’ve celebrated the anniversary every year since. Counting down to this exact moment. This day.
On April 12, 1998, I attempted suicide. That was the best failure of my life.
I had never fought so hard to survive as I did then. And I survived. I knew that my life had to be about something more. Something bigger than what it was. Something better than how it felt. Something.
The days that followed were all about setting goals for myself. Preparing for that something. Whatever that something was.
I thought about where my life had been. Where my life was now. Where my life was headed. I thought about the things I had wanted. The things I had sacrificed. The things I was doing, not doing and wanting to do. I thought. Every single day.
I made a list.
I wasn’t interested in a life without spontenaiety, so my list didn’t include a plan. Just goals. How I would reach those, that remained a mystery even to me. I just knew that I would.
I made a list of all the things I would do in the next 17 years. Everything I would have accomplished by April 12, 2015.
A few months ago, I reviewed that list. I went back to see where I was, to ensure that I would have it completed in time. I had. I had done every single thing I said I would do. I was doing everything I wanted to do. Every single thing.
It was amazing.
A feeling of absolute completion. Accomplishment. Satisfaction. Pride.
And then it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I had planned the rest of my life as if it were going to end on April 12, 2015. I hadn’t considered what my goals would be like after that. As far as I was concerned, I was done.
At 34, I had done everything I set out to do.
And then things got weird. I found myself mourning the end of this stage and completely unsure about what the next 17 years would bring.
I thought about where my life had been. Where my life was now. Where my life was headed. I thought about the things I had wanted. The things I had sacrificed. The things I was doing, not doing and wanting to do. I thought. Every single day.
I’ve always had to feel like I was in control of myself. Of my life. Of my choices. Sure, I understood that absolute control was impossible, but if I could control something, I would. And I did.
The day I found myself crumbled on the ground was the day I realized I was not in control. I had somehow, without even realizing it, recreated the end of my first 17. I designed the last 17 years as if they were my end. My last ones. Then I mourned it. Believed it. And I set the scene. Right down to the emotions.
At no point was I actually suicidal but I didn’t care if I lived or died. Looking back, I guess I never have.
People ask me every day why I’m not scared to do the work I do. The answer is simple, I’ve never feared death.
I am not afraid to die.
It sounds strange but there it is. I enjoy walking on the edge of the cliff knowing that I’m strong enough to not jump. I crave that feeling. Not wanting to die but not caring if I live.
And so, the universe gave me the lesson I needed. The real lesson about life and death.
I returned home from my mission to painful news of another death. This one hit home. So close to my heart. It hurt.
Here I was, mourning my own end. Fearless. Not caring. And what I had to see that day, was shattering.
17 years ago, seeing my sister’s face when she found me. I saw in her, what it would look like if I was gone.
17 years later, walking towards her lifeless body, I saw what life looked like for my friend, now that her mother was gone.
History repeated itself.
I repeated history.
This is the end of 17.
April 12, 2015 is a few days away.
I am so proud of where I’ve come from. I am amazed at where I’ve been. I’ve lived more in my 34 years than many do in 80.
But I have a newfound excitement for whatever remains of my life. A thirst for it. A hunger. There will be no more 17 for me after I celebrate this milestone.
Just days. Every day. Weeks. Months. Years. Living. Truly living. Doing. Being.
Creating.
That’s the only goal I’m setting for myself. I will create. That’s it.
Watch me.
To say the system is broken
Is a fucking joke
A broken system is the
Only one we’ve ever known
For it to break it has to mean
It once functioned well
Too few in paradise
With the rest living our system’s hell
I still carry all the scars
Of walking through that fire
Channeled anger and the pain
Into a passionate desire
People questioned why I walked into
The system on my own two feet
But I travel the opposite direction
On this one way street
Change comes from within
So I knew I had to infiltrate
And so I sat and mapped out
Every move I had to make
Didn’t make it the first time I tried
Cause I was too political
So I mastered the ancient art
Of playing two different roles
Now I play both sides of the coin
Because I have to
Just as comfortable in kicks
As fancy business suits
Never hiding from my demons
I make my failures known
All the mistakes I made in life
The only way I’ve ever grown
I spill my secrets
So they don’t use them against me
Making sure the power
Stays where it’s supposed to be
And so they fear the things that
they will never understand
I don’t play by the same rules
So they try to force my hand
But outside their walls
People are blowing up their telephones
Telling them I’m changing lives
Of people they don’t care to know
Too many calls to ignore
But they want to see my contract ended
So they hand me my awards
As I walk out the door suspended
I keep a smile on my face
Cause that means more to me
Than any discipline the system
Can bring down on me
Five steps ahead is where I stay
So I get my apology
When you grow up on the streets
You learn how not to be beat
People ask me if I’m scared
To walk the streets at night
So much evil in the world
Ready for a fight
how do you fear
The only thing you’ve ever known
In city hall is where
I feel most alone
Scratching my skin
Because the egos make me itchy
I bite my tongue because
the bullshit makes me twitchy
But within the larger system
I don’t walk alone
There are a few of us
That really make it feel like home
Take my message with me
Across every division
I carry my head high
Because I know my mission
Create our own paradise
And increase the population
Fix this fucking system
And become a beautiful united nation
And miles to go before I sleep 