I have always been an observer with an insatiable curiosity. A curiosity about people. Why they do the things they do. How they make the decisions they make. What motivates them. What terrifies them. Adults are very interesting beings.
The more I watch adults, the more curious I become about their childhood. What did they experience in their younger years. What shaped their beliefs. What taught them to behave in certain ways.
I am especially curious about the transformation between childhood years and adult life.
There is a beautiful innocence in children. An honesty. A truth. A simplicity. I often think we can learn more about life by watching them interact. I often wonder if we actually become better with age. Smarter. Stronger. I’m not sure we do.
I’ve been exploring the topic of relationships lately. Romantic relationships. Dating. Comparing what that looks like throughout the years. Thinking back to my own relationships. How they started. How they felt. How they ended. How I was able to move on.
Dating.
My eldest son became a teenager last month. I cherish the trust and open communication we share, so I won’t go into all the details out of respect for him. What I will say, is that we’ve had many heart to heart conversations about dating recently. Seems like things haven’t changed much from when I was younger, contrary to popular belief.
Dating as a child.
You meet someone. Your heart starts racing. You get that feeling of butterflies in your stomach. You physically react to this person in a million different ways. Hearing their name makes you smile. Whether you work up the courage to ask them yourself or you have a friend do it for you, you aim to find out if they feel the same way. They do. You ask them out. They say yes. Everyone knows you are together. You’re exclusive. You hold hands. You kiss. You start to explore different parts of each other. You hang out at recess. You do what kids do with their limited freedom. Like turns to love. Love turns to lust. Life is good.
Until it isn’t.
You cry. You break up. You cry some more. Then the cycle repeats itself with the next person. And so on and so forth.
As a child, it can feel like the most complicated and terrifying thing in the world. You’re learning to make sense of these new and exciting feelings. Perhaps experiencing the pain of your first breakup. Maybe your second. Third. Slowly, that innocence and simplicity becomes more complex. With pain and loss comes the need for protection. You learn to be more cautious with how and who you give your heart to. You also start to figure out what you like, and don’t like. Maybe what you deserve, and don’t deserve.
You grow up and the world of relationships changes.
Dating as an adult.
You meet someone you like. At this age, you can usually point out the reasons you like this individual. Maybe you get those butterflies. Maybe hearing their name makes you smile. Maybe you tell them how you feel. Maybe you wait for them to tell you. If you both seem interested, you start talking. Seeing each other more regularly. Like turns to lust. You explore physical parts of each other to see if you’re compatible. You maintain something that can only be described as some sort of relationship test run with a side of friendship. No one knows that you’re together, including the two people involved. There is no talk of whether or not you’re exclusive, so the assumption is made that you aren’t. The fear of being hurt prevents important communication from happening.
Dating as adults is confusing!
With such little clarity about what you’re actually “trying out”, there is much room for overthinking. You watch the actions of the other person and try to mimic those. You do whatever you have to do to protect yourself.
Maybe you want to text them goodnight but they never text you goodnight.
Oh ok…
Maybe we just don’t text each other goodnight then.
Maybe you feel like you are the only one initiating spending time together, so you stop.
Maybe you want to check in during a busy day to see how they are doing, but they don’t do that, so you won’t either.
Maybe you want to see them more often, but you don’t want them to feel like you don’t respect their independence and freedom.
So many thoughts. So many questions. So many maybes.
You go back to the “being exclusive” thought. Maybe you’re not comfortable bringing up the topic because you don’t want to come off too pushy or demanding. You start to wonder if you’re the only person they are “seeing where this goes” with. But you still don’t ask. So, you think it’s ok for you to just see other people until one of you decides to have the conversation.
You start to wonder how you should approach this relationship. Do you stay loyal to the process and truly see where it can go or do you just continue enjoying it casually until otherwise agreed upon.
Part of you wants to have this discussion to ensure you’re on the same page, but you also don’t want that person to know that you’ve been overthinking this.
So you don’t.
But then you start to pull back. You call less. You message less. You stop initiating seeing that person because you feel like they aren’t as interested. They feel like you’re not interested and do the same.
And you’ve thrown away the opportunity for a potentially great relationship because you’re adults and that’s what adults do.
Maybe there is something to learn from children about dating. That beautiful simplicity. The idea of dating without any games.
Watching my children explore their own feelings as they begin their own relationships, has served as a great reminder of the things that I value in my own relationships. Honesty. Freedom. Communication. Vulnerability. Simplicity.
“You have to go wholeheartedly into anything in order to achieve anything worth having.” -Frank Lloyd Wright
Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Sometimes children get it right.
And miles to go before I sleep 