Endings and Beginnings for 2016

2015 has been my 34th year in this world; as me. Sandra. Woman. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Cousin. Aunt. Friend. Advocate. Humanitarian. Storyteller. Wanderer. Quiet Riot. Lover of life.

34 will come to an end on January 5th, 2016. In just 3 days, I will be turning 35. I’m excited!!

If you’ve been following along, you know that 17 is my number. The number that symbolizes both beginnings and ends for me.

34 marks 2 complete rounds of my 17. If the first 17 years of my life were used to find myself and my purpose, the next 17 were for building that foundation.

I’ve known for a long time that this was going to be one of the biggest years of my life. Another turning point. A game changer. I knew this, and yet, I underestimated just how life changing this year was going to be.

I’m on the 17th chapter of my second book of life. Today, I’m just putting the final edits on my conclusion. The ending.

But like all good endings, this one is just another beginning.

As I wrap up the conclusion to volume 2, I have already framed the introduction for my volume 3.

I have never been one for resolutions. Creating a resolution implies that you have a problem that is in need of solving. I don’t believe in problems; just opportunities for continued growth. So, instead of resolutions, I dedicate a word to the year ahead. A word that will guide me and help shape the rest of it. 2015 started and ended with “create”.

CREATE

Create opportunities for speaking to share messages and knowledge.

Create art in every aspect of my life.

Create my story by writing more openly and freely.

Create opportunities to physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally explore even more parts of the world.

Create the space in myself for the absorption of knowledge and truth.

Create the life I want to live for the next 17.

In 2015, I created more than I thought possible and am now looking more forward to 2016 than ever.

The word I have assigned to 2016 is “invest”.

INVEST

Invest my energy into the relationships that I value and less in those that do not nurture my soul.

Invest in myself by doing more of the things I’ve always enjoyed and making time to do the things I have always wanted to do.

Invest in my health by continuing to make it a top priority.

Invest in ideas that I have for personal and professional growth.

Invest my finances in travel, education and other ways that will continue to enhance my future self.

Invest in my legacy by continuing to share my story and expanding the reach of my knowledge, experience and truth.

Invest in love because I have neglected that part of myself for far too long.

I don’t know what the next 17 years has in store for me. What I do know, is that I’ve never been more excited to be alive. Happy New Year everyone!!!

The next six weeks.

Two weeks ago, I overheard a conversation between two people. They were discussing how quickly the year had passed. How fast their whole life seemed to be flying by. How there were only 8 weeks left before the end of 2015.

The. World. Just. Stopped.

8 WEEKS!!!!

I quickly pulled out my phone and opened up the calendar.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

Holy hell, how did this happen?!

I didn’t hear anything after that. I couldn’t tell you what the rest of that conversation looked like. I don’t even know what happened around me in that moment. I was completely immersed in the thought of having 8 weeks left in 2015.

2015 was going to be huge; I had spent the last 17 years waiting for it. I didn’t start the year with any specific major plans, but I knew it would be a life changing one for me. I felt it. All signs pointed to it. If you’ve been following along, you know exactly what I mean when I say that this was the start of a new 17.

I felt empty. Unaccomplished. I sat alone in my car, wondering how I had wasted an entire year without even realizing it. I scrolled frantically through blog entries in an attempt to remember the goals I had set for myself. Checklists. Plans. Lists. Anything. But there was nothing there.
I didn’t make any!!!

I knew I wanted to write more. To create.

I knew I wanted to explore my professional world. To grow.

I knew I wanted to travel. To explore.

I knew I wanted to take classes. To learn.

I knew there were certain things that I wanted, but for the first time in my life, I hadn’t mapped out any concrete path to any of it.

I spent the next few days in what I can only describe as the worst PMS I’ve ever experienced. I was moody. Emotional. Anxious. Miserable. I didn’t feel like I had the energy, or desire, to do anything. I tried to make sense of my world. My relationships. My career. I felt like I was spiraling and I could barely breathe.

This happened to coincide with many of my friends feeling similarly, but for their own individual reasons. I questioned our age. I questioned the season. I questioned everything. As the friend who is often the one helping others to float, this time we were all drowning.

There were changes at work that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me feel differently about my current career.

There were changes at home that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me question whether or not I was making the right choices for myself and my children.

There were changes in my personal life that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me revaluate the things, and people, that I did and did not want in my future.

I wondered if I was in the right place.

I asked myself a hundred times, how the hell I got to the end of 2015 without even noticing.

Finally, I pulled it together. I thought about all that could be accomplished in the remaining 8 weeks. 2 months is a long time; maybe not enough to do everything but a good amount of time to get things started. In order to figure out the next 8 weeks, I had to figure out the last 10 months; Those 40 weeks that had flown by without my noticing. I sat down with a piece of paper, a calendar and a pen.

And an amazing thing happened.

The page began to fill as I looked back at each month. At what I had done. The places I had seen. The things I had learned. The people that I met. The love. The laughs. The tears.

40. Epic. Weeks.

I spent a week in Geneva, Switzerland, learning everything I needed to know about Ebola and exploring the beautiful city.

I travelled to Sierra Leone to provide Psychosocial supports at the Ebola Treatment Centre in Kenema.

I celebrated 17 years since my suicide attempt. 17 years on borrowed time.

My current full time position became permanent.

My international work was featured in two newspapers and a video piece for CTV.

I was invited to be the keynote speaker at a national awards conference, and delivered my speech/presentation with amazing feedback.

I represented the Canadian Red Cross in a documentary about the response following Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. The documentary was completed a few weeks ago and has now been submitted for 2016 film festivals.

I completed multiple presentations on my international work.

I participated in a national magazine feature on what it means to be a woman; which is scheduled to be released at the end of December.

I took a trip to Cuba with only my mother and sister; a trip we had always wanted to take but never before had the opportunity.

I wrote over 100 blog entries that were read thousands of times by readers from over 20 different countries around the world.

I met some wonderful people and built the foundation for several lasting personal and professional relationships.

I watched my oldest son become a teenager and attended high school open houses with him.

I cheered on my two youngest sons as their collection of sports trophies and medals grew.

I was accepted for a management position/training that will allow me to expand my current international portfolio and overall resume.

I watched my friends grow, become mothers/fathers, start new jobs, get married, buy houses, travel, end relationships, start new relationships, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve stayed up all night, I’ve dried tears, I’ve cried tears, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved, I’ve been sick, I’ve been healthy, I’ve danced, I’ve spent time doing the things I enjoy most with the people I care most about and I’ve been grateful for all the love I’ve been blessed with.

Additionally, in the remaining 6 weeks, I will celebrate 17 years of sobriety and 9 years working for the City of Toronto.

Without even realizing it, 2015 turned into that epic year I had been waiting for. A year that has taught me some very valuable life lessons. I’ve learned that beautiful things happen with, or without, concrete plans. I’ve learned that when you focus so much on the bigger picture, you miss the details that really matter.

Two weeks ago, I thought I had 8 weeks to do everything. Today, I’m happy to spend the next 6 weeks doing nothing.

A purpose in pain

I’ve been so fortunate in my life to have been able to build a family of friends around myself. At any given moment, I know that I can call on someone to be there, if and when I needed. I have loved and I have been loved.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Family was something I had to define for myself. What that looked like? What that felt like? The difference between being related and relating. Many have come and gone. Positive or negative, I continue to cherish what they brought into my life. Every person. Every moment. Every experience. Every interaction. All just a part of my journey; helping me to develop that definition.

While it’s true that some are no longer an active part of that journey, many have come and stayed. For those, I am exceptionally grateful.

To say I love them, would be an understatement. To call them family, would still not be enough. There are no words to express what their presence in my life means to me. But they know this. They know because I tell them. I tell them because I learned early that in life you don’t always get forever.

15 years ago, I promised myself that I would no longer let those moments pass. And for the most part, I don’t. Those that I’m referring to will know by reading this, that they are part of my definition. They will read this and send a simple message to my phone…a smiley face and/or an “I love you!” Simple. Message received.

Love, like home, is also just a feeling.

But having love and allowing yourself to love, means leaving yourself open to the possibility of pain. There is nothing easy about that. And while I will share how I feel with those I care about, I’m still cautious about sharing that with anyone else.

I speak openly about experiences. About my life. What I do. What I don’t do. But I don’t speak openly about the people I care about with just anyone. Sharing what is truly important to me gives people access to cause REAL pain, if they wanted to. I’ve carefully protected that part of myself my whole life. It’s not uncommon for me to hear “I didn’t even know you were friends” or “I had no idea how close you two were.”

Yes, this is deliberate.

But I knew 2015 was going to be different. It felt different. It still feels different. I’m slowly giving up the need to control and protect and making myself open to the possibilities. It’s not an easy transition but I’m truly enjoying who and what it’s already brought into my world.

Life is just a series of moments. Flickers. Anything can change, in an instant. I can’t control what happens any more than I can truly control what I feel. So, I will begin to share more of what’s important without fear that it will be taken from me. If I believe, and I do, that all things happen for a reason, I also have to accept that there is a purpose in pain.

Today, because I know she’s reading this, I will share my Shawna.

My twin soul. While many people can access a lot of information about me, few actually know what I truly feel. She does.

Whatever souls are made of, hers and mine are the same.

Our lives are busy. Our schedules are full. Still, we make time for our in person catch ups. Sometimes that is over a quick coffee break during work. Sometimes, lunch. Sometimes dinner. Sometimes drinks. No matter what we do, our attention is focused on each other. Catching up. Filling up our minds with whatever life details we may have missed since the last time we were together. Everyone around us feels like a distraction. They try to be a part of our energy, but learn quickly that “Shawndra” time is impenetrable.

It confuses people. We watch as they watch us. Question us. Try to understand why our relationship is so solid. How our loyalties are so strong. Few have tried to squeeze in between when they thought we weren’t looking but that’s the thing about twin souls; we don’t have to look to see. We don’t have to be near each other to know what the other is feeling.

To us, we make perfect sense.