plans | And miles to go before I sleep

Two weeks ago, I overheard a conversation between two people. They were discussing how quickly the year had passed. How fast their whole life seemed to be flying by. How there were only 8 weeks left before the end of 2015.

The. World. Just. Stopped.

8 WEEKS!!!!

I quickly pulled out my phone and opened up the calendar.

Holy hell, how did this happen?!

I didn’t hear anything after that. I couldn’t tell you what the rest of that conversation looked like. I don’t even know what happened around me in that moment. I was completely immersed in the thought of having 8 weeks left in 2015.

2015 was going to be huge; I had spent the last 17 years waiting for it. I didn’t start the year with any specific major plans, but I knew it would be a life changing one for me. I felt it. All signs pointed to it. If you’ve been following along, you know exactly what I mean when I say that this was the start of a new 17.

I felt empty. Unaccomplished. I sat alone in my car, wondering how I had wasted an entire year without even realizing it. I scrolled frantically through blog entries in an attempt to remember the goals I had set for myself. Checklists. Plans. Lists. Anything. But there was nothing there.
I didn’t make any!!!

I knew I wanted to write more. To create.

I knew I wanted to explore my professional world. To grow.

I knew I wanted to travel. To explore.

I knew I wanted to take classes. To learn.

I knew there were certain things that I wanted, but for the first time in my life, I hadn’t mapped out any concrete path to any of it.

I spent the next few days in what I can only describe as the worst PMS I’ve ever experienced. I was moody. Emotional. Anxious. Miserable. I didn’t feel like I had the energy, or desire, to do anything. I tried to make sense of my world. My relationships. My career. I felt like I was spiraling and I could barely breathe.

This happened to coincide with many of my friends feeling similarly, but for their own individual reasons. I questioned our age. I questioned the season. I questioned everything. As the friend who is often the one helping others to float, this time we were all drowning.

There were changes at work that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me feel differently about my current career.

There were changes at home that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me question whether or not I was making the right choices for myself and my children.

There were changes in my personal life that added to the weight I felt I was carrying. Changes that made me revaluate the things, and people, that I did and did not want in my future.

I wondered if I was in the right place.

I asked myself a hundred times, how the hell I got to the end of 2015 without even noticing.

Finally, I pulled it together. I thought about all that could be accomplished in the remaining 8 weeks. 2 months is a long time; maybe not enough to do everything but a good amount of time to get things started. In order to figure out the next 8 weeks, I had to figure out the last 10 months; Those 40 weeks that had flown by without my noticing. I sat down with a piece of paper, a calendar and a pen.

And an amazing thing happened.

The page began to fill as I looked back at each month. At what I had done. The places I had seen. The things I had learned. The people that I met. The love. The laughs. The tears.

40. Epic. Weeks.

I spent a week in Geneva, Switzerland, learning everything I needed to know about Ebola and exploring the beautiful city.

I travelled to Sierra Leone to provide Psychosocial supports at the Ebola Treatment Centre in Kenema.

I celebrated 17 years since my suicide attempt. 17 years on borrowed time.

My current full time position became permanent.

My international work was featured in two newspapers and a video piece for CTV.

I was invited to be the keynote speaker at a national awards conference, and delivered my speech/presentation with amazing feedback.

I represented the Canadian Red Cross in a documentary about the response following Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. The documentary was completed a few weeks ago and has now been submitted for 2016 film festivals.

I completed multiple presentations on my international work.

I participated in a national magazine feature on what it means to be a woman; which is scheduled to be released at the end of December.

I took a trip to Cuba with only my mother and sister; a trip we had always wanted to take but never before had the opportunity.

I wrote over 100 blog entries that were read thousands of times by readers from over 20 different countries around the world.

I met some wonderful people and built the foundation for several lasting personal and professional relationships.

I watched my oldest son become a teenager and attended high school open houses with him.

I cheered on my two youngest sons as their collection of sports trophies and medals grew.

I was accepted for a management position/training that will allow me to expand my current international portfolio and overall resume.

I watched my friends grow, become mothers/fathers, start new jobs, get married, buy houses, travel, end relationships, start new relationships, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve stayed up all night, I’ve dried tears, I’ve cried tears, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved, I’ve been sick, I’ve been healthy, I’ve danced, I’ve spent time doing the things I enjoy most with the people I care most about and I’ve been grateful for all the love I’ve been blessed with.

Additionally, in the remaining 6 weeks, I will celebrate 17 years of sobriety and 9 years working for the City of Toronto.

Without even realizing it, 2015 turned into that epic year I had been waiting for. A year that has taught me some very valuable life lessons. I’ve learned that beautiful things happen with, or without, concrete plans. I’ve learned that when you focus so much on the bigger picture, you miss the details that really matter.

Two weeks ago, I thought I had 8 weeks to do everything. Today, I’m happy to spend the next 6 weeks doing nothing.

Live in the moment.

This has become the theme of the day.

I heard it earlier in the context of when one is developing feelings for another; later on, it became an important topic in two additional relationship conversations.

There is this idea that life is best lived “in the moment.”

Going with the flow.

Riding the wave.

Just living and seeing how that life plays out.

Many people live by this theory. In many ways, so do I.

For the most part, I’m quite content with living in the moment. Being with my thoughts, as they are, as they come. Doing whatever I feel like, whenever the feeling comes to me. I’ve always been a healthy combination of spontaneous and a plan maker. In living this way, I’ve become much more aware of what I can and cannot control and I’m comfortable with the idea that everything happens for a reason.

Live in the moment.

I’ve been thinking about that all day now. It’s a piece of advice that I’ve given to many myself.

Live in the moment.

Whatever will be, will be.

But today, after all these conversations, I’ve realized why that theory cannot apply to all things. Why “living in the moment” may also require some planning.

The initial comment was made as part of a larger conversation. Over the last few months, two people have been getting to know each other. A professional relationship turned into random text conversations…which turned into larger conversations…which turned into spending more time together in various settings, both personally and professionally…which turned into a friendship…which turned into a physical relationship. The entire relationship was built and based on a casual, “live in the moment” vibe. It was perfect for their personalities, it was perfect for their situation. This was different for her though, she was used to getting bored easily. The live in the moment agreement worked best because it allowed for an easy escape when she was no longer interested. But the more she got to know him, the more she wanted to. The more time she spent with him, the more she enjoyed his company. The more she enjoyed his company, the more she realized she was developing feelings for him. The stronger the feelings, the more she started to search for a definition.

A definition. All of a sudden, the casual became complicated. She could accept any definition, except the unknown. She caught herself here.

She wondered what they were doing. What he felt. IF he felt. She realized that she allowed her guard down prematurely. She couldn’t even remember doing it, uncertain if it had ever actually been up with him in the first place. Here she was though, at a very pivotal point in this relationship. She was safe here.

If they were to continue just being friends, she could do that.

If they were to continue just being casually physical, she could do that.

If they were to continue being simply professional, she could do that.

What she couldn’t do, was allow her feelings to grow if they weren’t on the same page.

So the advice given to her was simple, “live in the moment.”

I heard this and I thought about it.

I thought about my own life and what I’ve been able to accomplish. I thought about the times I’ve lived in the moment and how much fun I had doing that. So many amazing memories and wonderful stories in 34 years.

Then I thought about the times I planned decisions. I thought about how much success I gained from doing that. So many amazing memories and wonderful stories in 34 years.

Love, it itself, is the most spontaneous thing in the world. You absolutely cannot control who you have feelings for. You love when you don’t expect to. You love who you don’t expect to. You can’t plan feelings, you can’t force feelings. They just happen, whenever and however they do.

Love lives in the moment.

But sometimes you have feelings for someone you shouldn’t have feelings for. Some people are unavailable; either already in a relationship or unavailable in various other ways. You don’t develop feelings for someone, find out they are in a relationship and then continue to just live in the moment. No. You would accept that it’s not the one and you would work out those feelings and move on.

Some people just don’t want the same things as you. If one person is carrying multiple casual relationships and the other one wants to focus on seeing where this one could go, it’s probably a good time to walk away.

So, living in the moment is incredibly important in relationships, particularly as they continue to develop. Having a basic definition is equally important.

I don’t mean a definition by way of labels. It’s not a “you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend” situation. It simply means having a mutual understanding. A “I’m not seeing anyone else, you’re not seeing anyone else, let’s just see where this goes.” Or a “I’m actually only interested in a casual physical relationship with no strings attached.” Or a “I don’t have feelings for you and I prefer to just be friends.”

This way, you can decide how to proceed and if you really want to proceed in that direction. Once a basic definition is established, living in the moment makes sense.

Two other conversations happened after that. Two different situations where I may have given the simple advice of “just live in the moment, see where things go.” I caught myself though. Relationships are complex.

There is no simple advice when dealing with feelings.