Live in the moment

Live in the moment.

This has become the theme of the day.

I heard it earlier in the context of when one is developing feelings for another; later on, it became an important topic in two additional relationship conversations.

There is this idea that life is best lived “in the moment.”

Going with the flow.

Riding the wave.

Just living and seeing how that life plays out.

Many people live by this theory. In many ways, so do I.

For the most part, I’m quite content with living in the moment. Being with my thoughts, as they are, as they come. Doing whatever I feel like, whenever the feeling comes to me. I’ve always been a healthy combination of spontaneous and a plan maker. In living this way, I’ve become much more aware of what I can and cannot control and I’m comfortable with the idea that everything happens for a reason.

Live in the moment.

I’ve been thinking about that all day now. It’s a piece of advice that I’ve given to many myself.

Live in the moment.

Whatever will be, will be.

But today, after all these conversations, I’ve realized why that theory cannot apply to all things. Why “living in the moment” may also require some planning.

The initial comment was made as part of a larger conversation. Over the last few months, two people have been getting to know each other. A professional relationship turned into random text conversations…which turned into larger conversations…which turned into spending more time together in various settings, both personally and professionally…which turned into a friendship…which turned into a physical relationship. The entire relationship was built and based on a casual, “live in the moment” vibe. It was perfect for their personalities, it was perfect for their situation. This was different for her though, she was used to getting bored easily. The live in the moment agreement worked best because it allowed for an easy escape when she was no longer interested. But the more she got to know him, the more she wanted to. The more time she spent with him, the more she enjoyed his company. The more she enjoyed his company, the more she realized she was developing feelings for him. The stronger the feelings, the more she started to search for a definition.

A definition. All of a sudden, the casual became complicated. She could accept any definition, except the unknown. She caught herself here.

She wondered what they were doing. What he felt. IF he felt. She realized that she allowed her guard down prematurely. She couldn’t even remember doing it, uncertain if it had ever actually been up with him in the first place. Here she was though, at a very pivotal point in this relationship. She was safe here.

If they were to continue just being friends, she could do that.

If they were to continue just being casually physical, she could do that.

If they were to continue being simply professional, she could do that.

What she couldn’t do, was allow her feelings to grow if they weren’t on the same page.

So the advice given to her was simple, “live in the moment.”

I heard this and I thought about it.

I thought about my own life and what I’ve been able to accomplish. I thought about the times I’ve lived in the moment and how much fun I had doing that. So many amazing memories and wonderful stories in 34 years.

Then I thought about the times I planned decisions. I thought about how much success I gained from doing that. So many amazing memories and wonderful stories in 34 years.

Love, it itself, is the most spontaneous thing in the world. You absolutely cannot control who you have feelings for. You love when you don’t expect to. You love who you don’t expect to. You can’t plan feelings, you can’t force feelings. They just happen, whenever and however they do.

Love lives in the moment.

But sometimes you have feelings for someone you shouldn’t have feelings for. Some people are unavailable; either already in a relationship or unavailable in various other ways. You don’t develop feelings for someone, find out they are in a relationship and then continue to just live in the moment. No. You would accept that it’s not the one and you would work out those feelings and move on.

Some people just don’t want the same things as you. If one person is carrying multiple casual relationships and the other one wants to focus on seeing where this one could go, it’s probably a good time to walk away.

So, living in the moment is incredibly important in relationships, particularly as they continue to develop. Having a basic definition is equally important.

I don’t mean a definition by way of labels. It’s not a “you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend” situation. It simply means having a mutual understanding. A “I’m not seeing anyone else, you’re not seeing anyone else, let’s just see where this goes.” Or a “I’m actually only interested in a casual physical relationship with no strings attached.” Or a “I don’t have feelings for you and I prefer to just be friends.”

This way, you can decide how to proceed and if you really want to proceed in that direction. Once a basic definition is established, living in the moment makes sense.

Two other conversations happened after that. Two different situations where I may have given the simple advice of “just live in the moment, see where things go.” I caught myself though. Relationships are complex.

There is no simple advice when dealing with feelings.

In Africa

It’s no secret that Africa is my favourite place in the world.

To be.

To live.

To work.

To breathe.

There are few words that can describe how being there really makes me feel.

I’ve written about “home” a million times.  What it is.  What it looks like.  What it feels like.  My seemingly unending search for it.

If home is a feeling, Africa is the closest I’ve ever come.

I’m constantly seeking words to explain why this is so.  Why the minute the plane lands on African soil, I feel as if I can breathe again.  How the weight of the world is lifted when I step out of the airport.  How truly at peace I feel just being there.  Why when I’m away, my thoughts are consumed with the next time I can be there again.

Africa is complex in a million different ways.

Haunted by decades of violence, oppression, war, poverty, famine, abuse…much of it by the generations of my family before me.

I recognize what it means that my own family called Angola home.  How they “earned” the right to do so at the expense of so many African lives.  The history of Portugal is not one that I’m incredibly proud of, not in this case anyway.  Still, as much as Portuguese blood runs through me, so does African blood.  It may not be as visible to others as the colour of my skin, but it’s true and something that I’m proud to carry.  Not everyone in my family will happily admit this, and it has saddened me for most of my life.

Africa is complex and yet, so simple.

It is that simplicity that I crave.

Years ago, I asked someone I was working with in Zimbabwe what time they ate lunch?  The response was, “when I’m hungry”.

Simple.  Yet such a strange concept in so many parts of the world.

You eat when you’re hungry.  That makes perfect sense.  But if you turn to the person next to you and ask them what time lunch is, they will likely give you an approximate time.  Noon.  One.  ish.  Perhaps that answer will be paired with a look of confusion.  Try it.  Maybe I’ll be wrong, but I doubt it.

Simple.  Yet such a strange concept in so many parts of the world.

I had forgotten about that conversation until I was in Sierra Leone, years later.  I asked someone I was working with what time they usually go to sleep.  The response was, “when I’m tired”.

Simple. Yet such a strange concept in so many parts of the world.

You go to sleep when you are tired.  That makes perfect sense. But if you turn to the person next to you and ask them what time they go to sleep, they will likely give you an approximate time.  Ten.  Eleven.  Midnight. ish. Perhaps that answer will be paired with a look of confusion. Try it. Maybe I’ll be wrong, but I doubt it.

Africa is complex and yet, so simple.

It is that simplicity that I crave.

This is it.

I’m all packed up. 

I’ve said my no touch goodbyes. 

Not quite sure if I’m ready to go but there is no alternate option. 

Today is the day.

The next three days will feel longer than the last five weeks combined.

In just under two hours, I’ll begin my journey back home.  Into the arms of those I care about. Into the life I am used to living.  The life I know. The comfort of everyday. Still, that always seems like the most unfamiliar place to go back to after a mission.  

I’ve been preparing myself, physically, mentally and emotionally, for this day. For the next three weeks.  And partially, for the next few months.  

It’s a process. 

I have smiled at the thought of leaving.  

I have cried at thought of leaving.

This is not something you can normally share freely.  Not without risking the feelings of others.  Those who love you. Those who wait weeks, months, years to see you. Those who have practically planned out everything they want to say and do when you return.  If they had any idea how much you fear those moments. Those reunions.  They would question their own value in your life.  It’s not worth sharing. 

Those who don’t know, will never understand. 

In three days, I will feel suffocated by the life I live.

This is it.