What makes a good mother?
I don’t know a single person who hasn’t asked that at some point in their life. Every woman, man, child, maybe even animal (although of this, I cannot be sure). Whether you have one, are one, have thought about becoming one, are looking for a partner in life to raise a family with…
Every single one of us knows a mother.
It is in that experience that we shape our idea of what a mother should, and shouldn’t, be. What a mother should, and shouldn’t do. It could come from your real-life experience – how your own mother lived, the choices they made, how they treated you, or perhaps how they allowed themselves to be treated. Maybe your definition includes the things you admired in other people’s mothers, watching matriarchs in popular television shows, reading about them in your favourite books, or simply a combination of the many things you were told in the course of your life. One thing is certain, you HAVE been told what a good mother is, even if you were too young to remember.
If you were lucky, you had a great one in your life. If you are REALLY lucky, you still do. I am fortunate enough to still have my mother, who despite our MANY differences in personality and parenting styles, remains one of the greatest loves of my life. She was not perfect and never claimed to be. She made mistakes, she made choices, she lived, she learned.
I got pregnant with my eldest son when I was 20 years old, and because of that, motherhood is something I’ve struggled to define for my entire adult life. I didn’t always want to be a mother, but I’ve embraced it, enjoyed it, grown with it, loved it – I have no regrets.
But I do often have questions.
Am I doing this right? Leaving them? Attempting to balance who I am and what I want with what they need? Will they grow up to recognize and admire me for it, or will they hate me for leaving them when they felt they needed me more?
I’ve worked full time since I was 16 years old. I’ve survived with nothing and challenged the constant thoughts, and guilt I’ve felt, in the desire to have more than I need. I struggled to find the balance in parenting, working, and finishing my education when all the odds were stacked against me. I’ve taken shortened maternity leaves to focus on the career I worked so hard to build, with my first one being only 8 weeks long. When they were younger, I balanced it with the idea that they were too young to even remember that I left. As they get older, I balance it with the need to teach them about a world out there that is larger than their own. But, I know it’s hard on them when I leave; it’s hard on everyone.
So, the questions are normal. The questions are real. The questions are great. And like every other mother out there, I have yet to find the answer to any of them except that there are no answers.
YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW!
There is no perfect mother, just millions of individuals struggling to find that balance. Having to be strong when you need to be weak. Having to get up when you just want to stay down. Having to be everything to everyone while still trying to find yourself is one of the most difficult things in life. So, to every mother out there struggling to find the balance, and to everyone out there cheering them on, you are imperfectly perfect.
Keep on doing you, whatever that means and whatever that looks like!
And miles to go before I sleep 