Making the choice to deploy is easy for me. I don’t question for a second why that is; I know why. I know that there is a much bigger world outside of my own. I know that I have a responsibility to do what I can to support those who need it most, when I can and with what I have. I know this because people have done that for me during the course of my life. Sure, the argument can, and has been made that I don’t have to leave the country to do that. This is true, I don’t. In my full time work at home, I carry the same belief and do what I can in my role to help others. But those that argue that I don’t have to leave the country to help, also argued when I flew out to Alberta to support the Fort McMurray wildfires. I realized a long time ago that it’s not that they believe I shouldn’t have to leave the country, but simply that they do not want me to go. Period. I also know that most of those people care very much about my safety and well-being, and for that, I cannot fault them for their line of thinking.
But my beliefs are mine and so is my life.
My notice for deployments can be anywhere in the 24 hours to a week range. With my current full time role and our staffing shortages, I gave my availability and asked for as close to two weeks notice as I could possibly get. As the Canadian Red Cross is an extremely respectful employer who understands the difficulty outside employers have in releasing their emergency staff, I was given exactly two weeks notice for my deployment to Bangladesh. 14 days notice, 12 days ago. But like everything else in this world, two weeks notice also comes with its pros and cons.
While it gives me more time to prepare my full time work to ensure minimal disruption for those having to cover while I’m gone, it also allows too many opportunities for questions/opinions about the work I do and am about to do.
While it gives me more time to say goodbye to my children, family and friends, it also gives them too much thinking/processing time and in turn, an ability to express ALL their concerns, no matter how hurtful.
Two weeks turns into me having to comfort everyone else. Having to explain my choices to all who feel entitled to an explanation. It takes a toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally, at a time when I really need to stay focused.
Two weeks can feel like an eternity, and it has.
I find myself having to answer questions several times a day to various people who know me, people who don’t know me, people who never wanted to speak to me before they found out I did this work, people who are interested in doing the work themselves, people who have heard about what I do, people who have seen me in an interview, speaking arrangement, panel discussion…SO MANY PEOPLE WITH SO MANY QUESTIONS!
And regardless of where in the world I’ll be deploying and in what conditions I will be working in, the questions and comments are always the same.
“Why do you have to go?”
(inside voice) – “I don’t have to do anything, I CHOOSE to go! Why don’t you mind your own business and continue to make your own decisions for your own life?!”
(outside voice) – “There is not a day that goes by that I’m not grateful for the ability to be able to go and do the work that I love. It’s not for everyone, but it is for me.”
Who’s going to take care of your kids?
(inside voice) – “Ugh, their father. SHUT UP! Do you ask men who travel for business the same question every time they leave?!”
(outside voice) – “Their father. I was fortunate enough to know that I wanted to do this work at a young age, so I was able to build a life around my dream. You’ve heard the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, well I live that saying. I have a network of support that jumps in to help with whatever is needed at home when I leave for work. It works for my family.”
As a mother, how can you leave your kids?
(inside voice) – “It’s easy, I say goodbye and I get on the airplane. SHUT UP! Do you ask men who travel for business the same question every time they leave?”
(outside voice) – “As a mother, I want my children to grow up and have the courage to follow whatever dreams they have. I believe the best way to teach that, is to model it. I have 3 sons at home, who are growing up in a world that still teaches them that women are the primary caregivers in the house. At home, they are growing up in a family that supports each other, regardless of gender. My hope is that they grow up not only following their own dreams but that they also understand the importance of supporting the dreams of their partners.”
Aren’t you worried something is going to happen to you and your kids will be without a mother?
(inside voice) – “I hadn’t considered that, do mother’s worry? SHUT UP! Do you ask men who travel for business the same question every time they leave?”
(outside voice) – “I think it’s very natural to worry about something happening to me, I haven’t stopped worrying about that since my first child was born. I worry about getting hit by a car every time I walk down the street and see how distracted everyone is. I’m careful about what I eat and remain physically active because I worry about getting preventable diseases that will shorten my life and the time I have with my kids. Of course I worry! But I haven’t stopped crossing the street. I haven’t stopped eating dessert when I feel like it. I would be WAY more concerned if I chose to stop living my life.”
Be safe and don’t do anything to put your life at risk.
(inside voice) – “I’m a 36 year old mother of 3 children, who loves and values her life but thanks for the reminder, I hadn’t considered safety this time around.”
(outside voice) – “I will, thank you.”
Do you notice the theme here? Mothers? Women? This line of questioning, while the intention might be good, is based on a foundation of sexism and patriarchy. Men have been traveling for business for decades, and no one questions who will be taking care of their children while they are gone. The men I work with in the field don’t have to answer those questions either, not at home and not while we are working.
I believe that these questions are coming from a place of genuine concern, but I also believe I have a role to play in challenging them. I’ve always been very outspoken about the double standards when it comes to women traveling for work, particularly mothers, and even more so for mothers with young children. While I try to be as sincere and patient as possible, after 12 years and hearing them literally thousands of times, it’s often a challenge in itself. Still, you have to laugh to keep from crying. As far as we’ve come, we still have such a long way to go.
2 weeks can feel like an eternity, and it has.
Off to Bangladesh in 2 days.